The smallest club in the world.

OH and I are so hopeful. We are happy in the knowledge that this is on the way to happening. We are beginning to believe that we might be finally on the right path. But we are alone.

When we started this journey I felt like I knew hardly anyone in real life who had waited like I was waiting. I found support in a particular thread on a message board website I used a lot, and then later on twitter too. The infertile community online understood me. They knew how I felt when AF arrived. They knew that is was ok to feel jealous when a friend announced they were pregnant, and that I was still happy for them. They knew what to advise me about my first consultation at the fertility clinic and how to limit the pain of the HSG. They knew to tell me it was ok not to take any more of the psycho clomid tablets and that it wasn't letting the side down to allow myself a month or two off tryng for babies.
And, they knew how I only wanted to hear the details of pregnancy from my closest friends. I did not want to see a fb friend posting an ultrasound picture, I didn't want to guess the baby weight of a child that I know was conceived long after I started trying and I didn't really want to follow my twitter friends that became pregnant if their tweets were suddenly all about their pregnancy. It sounds awful to say out loud, but I know my tweeps would understand why I felt that way.

But now it's me. I'm the lucky one. I have questions and worries about pregnancy, and I know that my collection of online friends are still, for the great part, waiting for their turn. I don't want to make them feel the way that I felt so many times. I have exiled myself from the infertiles club - though that's where I feel my experiences place me. So I have tons of friends IRL that have been pregnant - do I turn to them? Well yes. And no. My pregnancy is different to those where the pregnancy was less hard fought for (not more/less important or less wanted- don't get me wrong) because in just over 3 years since hubby and I decided we were ready for a family I have had about 40 bad newses, and 1 big good news. I'm not used to things going smoothly. I'm used to needing painful tests, and injections, and mind altering hormones. I'm sure all expectant mothers are nervous, but there's a smaller number that have such a history of being told things by doctors with such serious faces.

So do I turn back online? I must be able to find plenty of ex-infertiles there? Well yes, but again I feel like most of the people there have suffered losses, disappointments and trials that I have been lucky enough to avoid. My IVF worked first time (if little hombre continues to stick) and I feel like I don't have the series of heartbreaks that they have had to group me with them.

So I feel like OH and I are in the smallest club in the world. My time with the infertiles has passed. Those who got pregnant on their own can't understand my neuroses. I imagine that most of those who had assisted conception will think that I've had it easy. So who's with me? Anyone? Anyone?

Anyone?