OH and I are so hopeful. We are happy in the knowledge that this is on the way to happening. We are beginning to believe that we might be finally on the right path. But we are alone.
When we started this journey I felt like I knew hardly anyone in real life who had waited like I was waiting. I found support in a particular thread on a message board website I used a lot, and then later on twitter too. The infertile community online understood me. They knew how I felt when AF arrived. They knew that is was ok to feel jealous when a friend announced they were pregnant, and that I was still happy for them. They knew what to advise me about my first consultation at the fertility clinic and how to limit the pain of the HSG. They knew to tell me it was ok not to take any more of the psycho clomid tablets and that it wasn't letting the side down to allow myself a month or two off tryng for babies.
And, they knew how I only wanted to hear the details of pregnancy from my closest friends. I did not want to see a fb friend posting an ultrasound picture, I didn't want to guess the baby weight of a child that I know was conceived long after I started trying and I didn't really want to follow my twitter friends that became pregnant if their tweets were suddenly all about their pregnancy. It sounds awful to say out loud, but I know my tweeps would understand why I felt that way.
But now it's me. I'm the lucky one. I have questions and worries about pregnancy, and I know that my collection of online friends are still, for the great part, waiting for their turn. I don't want to make them feel the way that I felt so many times. I have exiled myself from the infertiles club - though that's where I feel my experiences place me. So I have tons of friends IRL that have been pregnant - do I turn to them? Well yes. And no. My pregnancy is different to those where the pregnancy was less hard fought for (not more/less important or less wanted- don't get me wrong) because in just over 3 years since hubby and I decided we were ready for a family I have had about 40 bad newses, and 1 big good news. I'm not used to things going smoothly. I'm used to needing painful tests, and injections, and mind altering hormones. I'm sure all expectant mothers are nervous, but there's a smaller number that have such a history of being told things by doctors with such serious faces.
So do I turn back online? I must be able to find plenty of ex-infertiles there? Well yes, but again I feel like most of the people there have suffered losses, disappointments and trials that I have been lucky enough to avoid. My IVF worked first time (if little hombre continues to stick) and I feel like I don't have the series of heartbreaks that they have had to group me with them.
So I feel like OH and I are in the smallest club in the world. My time with the infertiles has passed. Those who got pregnant on their own can't understand my neuroses. I imagine that most of those who had assisted conception will think that I've had it easy. So who's with me? Anyone? Anyone?
Anyone?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This is such a tricky place to be! I don't think that the fact that you got pregnant on your first IVF means you are out of the "Infertile Club". Those memories, feelings and fears are not auto-deleted from your life just because you experienced success.
ReplyDeleteThere are plenty of currently-pregnant-infertiles on Twitter & in blogland. They mostly seem to have the same concerns you are expressing here - you are not alone!
I have also seen plenty of still-waiting-infertiles on Twitter & in blogland who admit outright that they can't face the success stories at the moment, but they seem to be more concerned about seeming rude for not following or commenting and are very honest about why (with a promise that they will be back when they can handle it).
My thought is that you should continue to share your experiences, your concerns and questions (though obviously with a certain degree of sensitivity). If someone else needs to stop following you for a little while, they will and it will be OK.
Plus, those of us still-waiting like to know that you are doing OK :)
I feel the exact same way. My IVF worked the very first time and gave me by beautiful little boy. I recently did a guest blog where I said "We went through alot, not as much as some, but being the most infertile couple on the block has never been a personal goal of mine." I reread that statement numerous times, thinking it sounded insensitive and snarky. But it's true, I never wanted to be infertile let alone the MOST infertile. Let me just tell you, the only thing worse than being a pregnant infertile is being an infertile MOM. I don't fit in anywhere, but it's ok because I know that i am one of the LUCKY few who get to feel that awkwardness. I wouldn't give that up for anything.
ReplyDeleteI wrote this one another friends blog today but it applies to you also.
Every infertile blogger hopes to become a MOM blogger one day. This is you time. You are one of the unlucky infertile who somehow became one of the lucky ones. Embrace it! Enjoy it! You have paid your IF dues and EARNED this!!
Congrats on your pregnancy!
The post immediately after yours in my Google Reader proves that even infertile-adoptive-Moms get this too:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.lifeinthelastfrontier.com/2010/09/checking-in-and-apology-of-sorts.html
Here from LFCA, and I'm with you. ;)
ReplyDeleteWe may not be in the exact same part of the boat, but IF is a pretty big boat! Who's to say that anyone's heartache is worse than anyone elses?
Many of us look at your BFP as a point for our team - take THAT fertiles! We can get pregnant, too! SEE!
So happy for you, and I hope that you can find a spot in the IF community that feels like home.
Hiya there, found you on LFCA and just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. When I got my BFP last December I felt the same way. In fact, you can go back in my blog archives and see that I talked about it a lot after our first IVF worked.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, I let the guilt of leaving people behind in IF land color my entire pregnancy experience. I know it's hard but try not to do that :) I do regret not enjoying it more!
You'll find that you're "alone" in parenting as well as other moms will not understand how precious your baby is to you after TTC for so long.
So anyway, your feelings are totally normal and you'll find a home in the community.
Many congratulations on your baby!
Here from LFCA.
ReplyDeleteI think Mel has posted on this in the past, though I cannot remember the post off the top of my head. Your experience is your own, and you have to work through it yourself. It is usually a bad idea to compare heartbreak. Someone else will almost always come out ahead of you.
I also got pregnant on my first IVF. Be happy for what you have, and enjoy the experience, as much as you can. Pregnancy after IF is hard enough!
I have a very different background but the isolation applies to me in some ways as well. We conceived our son the first month we tried but then ended up with secondary more less unexplained infertility 2 years later (at the age of 31). We are still there, but just wanted to tell you that you might feel like you're in some weird space right now but you are pregnant and that's fantastic and you'll soon find your new grounds (and community for that matter). Hang in there and enjoy every moment of being on the other side. There are many women who are mothers after infertility out there.
ReplyDeleteI can understand feeling like you're in a weird place ... but the online community, I think, is supportive of all previously-infertiles ... there's no contest here. I think we're all cheering each other on ... because we know how great the odds are.
ReplyDeleteShucks guys, you know how to make a girl feel surrounded by a nice warm hug.
ReplyDeleteFirst, Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteSecond, Easy is not a word that should ever be associated with IF. Unless it's easy pregnancy - and that's something we all deserve after what we've gone through to get there!
Assvice: Keep an eye on the LFCA pregnancy announcements and you're sure to find another blogger or two or more who are around the same stage of pregnancy as you. It helped me make the transition to pregnant IF'er without feeling quite so alone (or that I was betraying anyone by being successful).
Here from LFCA.
Here from LFCA. I am in a very similar situation- 7 weeks pregnant from our second IVF, and I just posted on my blog about the guilt I felt about posting about being pregnant when some of my readers were not so lucky.
ReplyDeleteI found when I was struggling with IF it was helpful to read blogs of pregnant IFers, because then I could see that some people made it to the other side.
Like the previous poster said, there are lots of blogs with IFers who are currently pregnant. And I'll bet you'll see similar emotional threads running through their posts. I worry ALL the time that this pregnancy will not work out, and I'm positive I wouldn't be in that place if it hadn't taken us so long to get pregnant.
Finally, congratulations! Try to enjoy being pregnant- take each day at a time.
All the best.
Turia