It's Monday. That means it's 3 days until my first private appointment. I am really quite excited, even though nothing will happen other than I'll get more information about what will happen over the next few months.
I can't remember the last time I was excited about an appointment. The last time I allowed myself to hope that hubby and I might get what we have wanted for these years. I have also been strangely relaxed the past 2 weeks. I have been able to stay up later, enjoying a drink and a giggle with my friends and having bigger, more sincere smiles than I can remember.
I think this is because I am genuinely allowing myself to get my hopes up. And that is petrifying. I have had a ridiculously low level of hope for a very long time, and that's been deliberate. Hope has always led to a crash, an emotional meltdown and after the first 12 or so I was over them and they had to stop. The only way to do that was to stop expecting anything positive to happen. Trust me, it's served me well.
But here we are, with a hope I can't ignore. The results for ICSI in my clinic (for 2 years ago - that's how it works for some reason) are about 45%. Don't get me wrong, I did maths, I know that's still less than a half chance that it'll work, but that's about 44% more chance than I've felt I've had up till now. So I'm back to hoping, and for the moment it feels good. One of my tweeps says hope>fear. That has only been true for me recently in that I have hope that I will have a family eventually, but now I can allow myself a hope that I might get pregnant this year!
But I can't help but remember that the higher I let myself go, the harder the bump back down to earth.
Before I go- here's a song that means a lot to me. At a time when I was only defining myself by my infertility it reminded me that I am more than that. I get so caught up in my wants and wishes sometimes I forget to live the rest of my life.
"We are not our sorrows, we are not our scars,
We are only human, this is who we are"
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