Up and down

Well hubby's and my TIC (Treatment Itinerary Consultation?) appointment is coming up. I'm not really sure how I feel at the moment. I'm up and down emotionally. Last week wasn't too bad, the week before I was pretty fragile. I had at least 2 "we're really worried about you" talks from my colleagues and many tears (those were from me). This week? Who knows, it's only Monday.

I'm gearing myself up for a really bad emotional ride in the coming months. I know how badly my body reacts to hormones (mine or external) and I'm not expecting it to be easy. I get told not to pre-empt the nasty, that I might make it worse just by convincing myself of it but I can't help it. I have to keep myself ready for the worst case scenarios because I simply can't deal with anything that comes out of the blue. I really live quite a lot of my life hanging by a thread emotionally speaking. Or at least I have for the past three years. Oh, and I moved house and got married just before that, so maybe for four years...

I had a big conversation with my mother not so long ago where she lamented the relaxed Jennie that I used to be. I also had a conversation with one of my more recent friends (who never knew me pre-ttc) where I kept saying "the things is, I'm pretty laid back...." and he kept protesting. The thing is, I always was laid back. I have always fought my particular fights, but essentially I was laid back. And he protested. Apparently he doesn't think I'm laid back at all.

So in essense, I don't think I'm really in complete control of my personality at the moment. And I'm really scared about what the additional pressures will bring. Those around me know what I'm about to go through, but I can't help but feel I'm going to be intolerable. Poor hubby has already put up with a good deal of crazy from me over the years, and he's about to get a shedload more. I've decided I think I'm going to try acupuncture. Various people online and in RL have tried it and were pleased with the results. That's another thing to add to my nervous list. Gazillions of needles sticking out of me. One blog I read said that it only hurt when the needle went in a tense spot. But I'm permanently tense all over!

So please send me all your chilled vibes.
I think I'm going to need them.