12 week scan

Yesterday was our 12 week scan in the ante-natal unit at the hospital. First things first, it is so different to the IVF clinic. That was, well, rather clinical. It was perfunctory and very 1980s. In the new hospital there were trees and flowers and things painted on the walls. The chairs were set out in a big square, all facing inwards. It was like a therapy circle, a place where people weren't afraid to look each other in the eye and smile hello. There were beautiful photographs of newborns all over the walls, and lots of staff wandering round and chatting to everyone.

This was not a place a bad news.

I had woken up in tears, only managing to sleep the night before because I ate out with friends and was shattered by the time I got home. I was all of a panic and couldn't get a proper grip on beign positive. But as soon as we got there I felt pretty good, the atmosphere was just so..... expectant.

It was a busy place, where they gave you a private room for the ultrasound, but sometimes there were 3 couples in the same small room filling in forms and giving blood etc, because there was no reason to think anyone would need privacy.

The scan was beautiful. The last time we saw hombre, he (or she-we've just got in the habit of calling hombre he cos hombre is a boy "name") was just a little kidney bean with a little flashing spark for a heartbeat. Now hombre not only has all the working tiny bits of body, but he's moving like a right boogier. He must have his mother's rhythm. She started scanning and I was just so shocked. "Is his arm moving!?!?!?" I said, as the arm was blatantly flinging up and down, legs were kicking, head was turning left and right....
We saw a head, a tiny button nose, a butterfly brain, the spine, some ribs, fingers, toes, the whole kaboodle. I was just not expecting such an active baby to be in there. I've seen lots of people's ultrasound pictures, and I understood that it would be easier to see when it was moving, but I didn't know that it would be moving like a born baby. Stunning. I get the idea now that there's a baby in my womb.

That sounds pretty stupid I guess, but it's a baby. It's not a kidney bean, it's not (thankfully) an ex-kidney bean. This is going to happen. That is so scary to say, in case I jinx it, but I should be brave enough to say it now. My name is Jennie and I'm going to have a baby. Ha!

Unfortunately, I still spent almost the whole day yesterday crying. I don't know whether it's hormones, or relief, or frustrations, or all of the above. But happy news=day spent crying is just bl**dy annoying. Where was my day of happiness? I feel a bit robbed. But I feel better today. Maybe I'll even be able to share the happiness around a bit. I kind of p*ssed on my parents' parade yesterday by showing them the happy pictures then spending an hour sobbing to myself. What a cow. I'm a little less than impressed with myself at the moment. I'm walking around, spreading the misery wherever I go. I'd like to get a grip now please. I'd like to be a rational person and be happy and relaxed about this pregnancy.

So today is a new day. I'm gonna try to have a new attitude. Look forwards, feel good, allow others to celebrate around me - they are as pleased about this as hubby and I are, and I should let them feel excited too.

Here's hombre having a dance. If you look closely, there's a even a couple of Titanic handprint moments too...

Manor Way

I hate Manor Way.

Manor Way is the road I sit on everytime I go to the clinic. I'm invariably on my own, as I'm either coming from work, or am going to work afterwards. Manor Way is where I sit and panic. It's where I wait in traffic that goes on forever and think about all the things that might be about to go wrong. I need to find some positive way to use that time - I tried to plan out this blog, but until I've been in for my appointment there's not much I can plan.

So I went for my scan and I was really worried that nothing would have been happening. And OH wasn't able to come, so Mam joined me. I never thought I'd have any sort of internal with my mother in the room, but I'm glad she was there.

There was a new doctor again (I only ever saw the one consultant all through the lead up, but now I'm seeing someone new each time!). I'll call her Dr. Business. She was all business. Pleasant, but not really interested in chatting to me. She gave me the whole scan whilst avoiding talking to me. And it took longer than the baseline scan. Ovary number 2 must have been a little more difficult to see, as instead of the little adjustments she made with the first, this had whole body movements to get to position, and was a lot less friendly to my poor battered cervix. She didnt' try to show me what was on the screen, and eventually when my nerves couldn't handle it any more, I said, "Are they growing?" "Yes, growing" was her (not quite) comforting reply. Mam could see the screen (although she hasn't had the practice I've had at interpreting the white and black splodges on screen) and could see that she was measuring lots of things.

So a quick clean and wipe up later, she makes lots of little crosses on a piece of paper and tells me the results. 1 at 16mm, 2 at 14mm, 1 at 13mm, 1 and 11mm and several smaller. That all sounds rather huge to me, in my dinky little ovaries. No wonder I'm starting to bloat... (Big fatty).

At this point I'm starting to realise I don't understand what's happening that well anymore. The girls on my forum and my tweeps seem to think that these are good sizes, and the fact that I've been called for my next scan on Wednesday (and not Friday like they initially expected) backs that up. I'm hoping that when I go for my next scan tomorrow they may let me know when egg collection will be. I don't really know what will happen then either. Something to do with a needle, a load of drugs up my rear end, an uncomfortable procedure that I may or may not remember and hopefully a great result at the end of it.

To be honest, at this point, I'm not sure how many details I want to know any more. It all seems a bit more intimidating now. The injections and the mood swings and what not were all something I could contemplate, but the next steps....

Also, I left work early today. I had some pains (bad enough that I couldn't stand up straight for ten minutes) and everyone around me looked so concerned that I think I just panicked. The nurses are happy that these pains are within the realms of normal, and the scan tomorrow will check if everything's ok anyway. No deviations from the plan please! I can't handle that, apparently...