So, as most of you already know, We got our BFP!
Warning: I talk about pee here. More than a normal person should.
The night before POAS day was pretty much spent not talking about it. Too scary. I think hubby understood that I was too freaked out, and talking wasn't actually going to ease that. So he read me to sleep (as he does whenever I'm wound up) and I dropped off without too much trouble. I guess it's an advantage of working so hard on the new house. I woke up once in the night and managed to go back to sleep. Then I woke up again at 5.30a.m. and needed to go to the loo. I knew I would need to use my morning wee for the test, so I just lay there for a while. Quietly freaking out on my own. Eventually my stirring (and humphing) woke up OH.
When it came down to it, I didn't want to do the test. I was so aware that it could be negative that I didn't want to do it. Without the test I at least still had hope. The test would possibly take that away from me and leave me with nothing. Just with a hole in my parents' bank account. So after much grumping, and when I couldn't hold the pee in any more, hubby agreed that if I went and poas, I could just hand it to him and he would be brave and look at what it said.
I feel I should point out here that I had one of those swish pregnancy tests. not pregnant. pregnant. And I'd not had one of those before. Mine were always 5 for £3.80 from accessdiagnostics.co.uk because I went through them like fun. But, of course, it wasn't fun.
So anyway, back to the main event. After all that I thought I was busting to go to the loo, when it came down to it I was worried I didn't have enough. But we did. And before I could stand up and hand it to OH, it was already flashing pregnant. I panicked. I thought I'd broken it. The little egg timer was flashing and all I could think was, does one word come up before the other?
pregnant.......not! Was I meant to not look until the full three minutes were up? I was just stunned. In a complete state. OH saw the little egg timer stop, and 2-3 weeks appeared. Very accurate, clearblue, very accuarate. We did another test. Well, OH did it with the little bit I'd managed to catch in a pee pot. That's love that is. It had 2 pink lines. Bingo.
So we started to believe it. A bit. We rang our parents, texted my bro and SIL (away on holiday), spoke to our closest friends, posted it on fb (as you do) and went back to sleep, exhausted with the excitement.
Now I'm in the tricky place of realising that I've got what I wanted, and it isn't enough. We're pregnant. I'm now at the point I longed to be at, having the same chances as all the fertiles in the world. And I know we're not there yet. Now I want my 6 week scan to be good. And the 12 week scan, and OMG, I'm going to never be able to relax again. What was I thinking?!? Fertiles lose babies all the time. Babies are born ill, kids are nothing but trouble, teenagers are worse and what if I have to watch my grown up kid go through all this in the future?
Why on earth did I think that this would make me feel like I had achieved my goal? That was naive...
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Sunday, 8 August 2010
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
Long Time No Blog.
I've realised I've not blogged for about a fortnight (which is FOREVER at the moment) so I thought I'd catch you all up quickly.
Egg collection was fine. A bit weird though. I was very nervous and got myself a little wound up. I even got hubby's birth date wrong (he wasn't very impressed). We met various nurses and embryologists and the like - every one of them was very sweet, friendly and patient. The best people in the world. WE had various surveys and things to fill in which was quite funny. "Do you see your embryo as a chance for a future baby?" Yes. "Are you nervous?" Yes. "Do you already think of your embryo as part of your family?" Uh, no! (Cuckoooooooo).
So OH went and did his part. Successfully. Well done dear. Then I went on in for the EC on my own while he went to pick up my prescription.
EC consisted of about 6 people wandering round me while I had my bits up in the air. But, to be fair, that stirruped chair was really comfy. I might get me one of those. Or not. So they gave me the drugs (in an IV thing in my arm - I was expecting it up my bottom, this was preferable!) and I remember telling Nurse Latin on my right that I didn't feel anything happening with the drugs. I think this was because I remember being given the anaesthetic for my op in November, and it all hit me in a bout 3 seconds (I remember saying 'Oooh, there's the woozy') but this took longer - probably a minute or 2.
So I didn't go woozy, I just suddenly don't remember chunks of time. I blinked and all of a sudden there was this sensation of a stapler being hit. Yes, in my lady parts. Nurse Latin was brilliant, she explained that that was the needle going through my vaginal wall (I didn't feel any pain, just that stapler sensation), gave me some more drugs and off I went again. I must have come round about 3 times, and each time Nurse Latin explained what was happening and topped up my dosage.
Apparently they took me back to the recovery room sat up in a wheelchair, I called out to OH that I was there and that it hadn't hurt, they stood me up, walked me to the recliner, sat me in it, reclined me and let me go back to sleep. I say apparently as I don't remember any of that. I also had conversations with hubby, passed out in the middle of a sentence, woke up half our later and carried on where I left off. Them was some gooooooood drugs. After a while I came round properly, had a sandwich and went home. There weren't any nasty after effects or anything, a couple of twinges, another nap and I was fine.
We had 8 eggs harvested, 7 were mature enough to inject, 1 didn't fertilise, 2 fertilised abnormally and 4 fertilised well. By transfer day, 1 of those 4 looked a bit dodgy so we had 3 good embryos. OH and I hadn't been sure how many embryos we wanted to transfer back in, but when we realised we had 3 it felt right to put 1 back in and freeze 2 for if we need them in the future.
Transfer was really simple except for the fact that my bladder is crazy. But hey, I learned the new skill of letting out a bit of pee then stopping. It turns out I can let out an eggcupful or a mugful and stop. And still have plenty left over for my "clear window". The catheter they put past my cervix was so small I couldn't even feel it. Less uncomfortable than a smear, definitely the easiest part of the whole process. Hubby and I got to see our actual embryo, then they brought it in, we saw the little squirt on the ultrasound (hubby swears it was a "spark") as it was put into my womb and then we were just sent home.
It is so hard, after being (by necessity) so controlling throughout this whole process about what time drugs are injected, how warm the drugs are, how much to inject etc, to just put the embryo in and hope nature makes it stick. Nature hasn't done so well for us so far, and to be honest, I'm not sure I trust that Mother Nature has been paying much attention our way.
Since then OH and I have moved house. This is always going to be a stressful experience. We tried to minimise the stress as much as possible, we paid for movers and enlisted friends and family to help, but the stress has kept coming. Mainly from our solicitor, who I do not recommend. At all. We've been in the house 2 days and she has now rung us to say, oops, the money SHE told us we needed to pay was actually £500 short. But at the moment she's not sure why. Righto lady, you send us those details and we'll figure out what to do with them. I know what my first instinct is...
POAS day is coming up. We're actually going to test a day earlier than the clinic has recommended, as that day is the day of my husband's 30th birthday party. If it's bad news, hopefully a day to cry will be enough for us to still enjoy his party. It's so horrible how unrelated areas of your life get affected by waiting round to get pregnant. I really want hubby to enjoy his birthday party, but I feel like I've been letting him down because we've got so much on. Hopefully our stick will give us good news, and it can be an amazing birthday present. Honestly, with all the things we've been doing, not only is this holiday sneaking past us, but POAS day is almost here and I haven't considered my feelings. I am possibly about to have a big fall on my face that I'm not prepared for...
Egg collection was fine. A bit weird though. I was very nervous and got myself a little wound up. I even got hubby's birth date wrong (he wasn't very impressed). We met various nurses and embryologists and the like - every one of them was very sweet, friendly and patient. The best people in the world. WE had various surveys and things to fill in which was quite funny. "Do you see your embryo as a chance for a future baby?" Yes. "Are you nervous?" Yes. "Do you already think of your embryo as part of your family?" Uh, no! (Cuckoooooooo).
So OH went and did his part. Successfully. Well done dear. Then I went on in for the EC on my own while he went to pick up my prescription.
EC consisted of about 6 people wandering round me while I had my bits up in the air. But, to be fair, that stirruped chair was really comfy. I might get me one of those. Or not. So they gave me the drugs (in an IV thing in my arm - I was expecting it up my bottom, this was preferable!) and I remember telling Nurse Latin on my right that I didn't feel anything happening with the drugs. I think this was because I remember being given the anaesthetic for my op in November, and it all hit me in a bout 3 seconds (I remember saying 'Oooh, there's the woozy') but this took longer - probably a minute or 2.
So I didn't go woozy, I just suddenly don't remember chunks of time. I blinked and all of a sudden there was this sensation of a stapler being hit. Yes, in my lady parts. Nurse Latin was brilliant, she explained that that was the needle going through my vaginal wall (I didn't feel any pain, just that stapler sensation), gave me some more drugs and off I went again. I must have come round about 3 times, and each time Nurse Latin explained what was happening and topped up my dosage.
Apparently they took me back to the recovery room sat up in a wheelchair, I called out to OH that I was there and that it hadn't hurt, they stood me up, walked me to the recliner, sat me in it, reclined me and let me go back to sleep. I say apparently as I don't remember any of that. I also had conversations with hubby, passed out in the middle of a sentence, woke up half our later and carried on where I left off. Them was some gooooooood drugs. After a while I came round properly, had a sandwich and went home. There weren't any nasty after effects or anything, a couple of twinges, another nap and I was fine.
We had 8 eggs harvested, 7 were mature enough to inject, 1 didn't fertilise, 2 fertilised abnormally and 4 fertilised well. By transfer day, 1 of those 4 looked a bit dodgy so we had 3 good embryos. OH and I hadn't been sure how many embryos we wanted to transfer back in, but when we realised we had 3 it felt right to put 1 back in and freeze 2 for if we need them in the future.
Transfer was really simple except for the fact that my bladder is crazy. But hey, I learned the new skill of letting out a bit of pee then stopping. It turns out I can let out an eggcupful or a mugful and stop. And still have plenty left over for my "clear window". The catheter they put past my cervix was so small I couldn't even feel it. Less uncomfortable than a smear, definitely the easiest part of the whole process. Hubby and I got to see our actual embryo, then they brought it in, we saw the little squirt on the ultrasound (hubby swears it was a "spark") as it was put into my womb and then we were just sent home.
It is so hard, after being (by necessity) so controlling throughout this whole process about what time drugs are injected, how warm the drugs are, how much to inject etc, to just put the embryo in and hope nature makes it stick. Nature hasn't done so well for us so far, and to be honest, I'm not sure I trust that Mother Nature has been paying much attention our way.
Since then OH and I have moved house. This is always going to be a stressful experience. We tried to minimise the stress as much as possible, we paid for movers and enlisted friends and family to help, but the stress has kept coming. Mainly from our solicitor, who I do not recommend. At all. We've been in the house 2 days and she has now rung us to say, oops, the money SHE told us we needed to pay was actually £500 short. But at the moment she's not sure why. Righto lady, you send us those details and we'll figure out what to do with them. I know what my first instinct is...
POAS day is coming up. We're actually going to test a day earlier than the clinic has recommended, as that day is the day of my husband's 30th birthday party. If it's bad news, hopefully a day to cry will be enough for us to still enjoy his party. It's so horrible how unrelated areas of your life get affected by waiting round to get pregnant. I really want hubby to enjoy his birthday party, but I feel like I've been letting him down because we've got so much on. Hopefully our stick will give us good news, and it can be an amazing birthday present. Honestly, with all the things we've been doing, not only is this holiday sneaking past us, but POAS day is almost here and I haven't considered my feelings. I am possibly about to have a big fall on my face that I'm not prepared for...
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
Egg Collection
So egg collection was yesterday. I was really nervous about what it would be like. For those who don't know what it entails, the ultrasound wand thingy (or dildocam as Ali calls it) goes up as usual, then a needle (somehow) comes out of the end, goes through your vaginal wall and finds the ovaries just on the other side, picks up the eggies and retreats. During this procedure you are sedated, but not unconscious, as they like to be able to ask you to move etc when they need you to.
So anyway I was nervous, really nervous. My bad experience with the HSG has shown me that my pain threshold is not infinitely high like I previously thought it was, and things can hurt me more than I can stand. I was expecting suppository drugs, as I know others have had them this way, but I had an IV instead. I guess that is so they can control the amount of drugs in my system at a time.
There were 6 of us ladies in the recovery room (a room with lots of curtains and 6 reclining chairs - not much else) and Nurse Frantic, who was, as you may have guessed, entirely frantic. I found it amazing that after all it has taken us to get this far, there were still 6 of us going through it in one morning. There must be so many people who suffer like we have suffered...
OH did his part, we met the embryologists, covered up my hair and feet (all I could think was that the little feet covers were what the murderers wore on The Silence) and I left hubby and headed in to the room. I was aware of very little of the procedure really. It was funny, because They put the drugs in and I remember telling them all that I didn't feel anything yet and the drugs weren't doing anything. The next second (or so it seemed) I was jumping out of my skin because there was this sensation of them punching through my vaginal wall. It didn't hurt, it kind of made me think of hitting down on a stapler. A big noise, a feeling, but not pain. I came around a few times when something particularly uncomfortable was done, but the lady on my right was always talking to me when I was aware, telling me what was happening and putting more drugs in my system. The whole thing was just fine. I've had some twinges since, but I haven't really needed any tablets (I got myself co-codemol in preparation) and a hot water bottle has done me fine. I love hot water bottles. You know it's bad if a hot water bottle can't sort you out.
So I am completely relieved. I also slept fine last night, so that was another relief.
We've had a phonecall this morning from the embryologist. The results thus far are in! They collected 8 eggs, 1 of which ws not mature enough to bother with. 7 were injected directly with a single sperm. 1 of those didn't fertilise at all, 2 fertilised abnormally. So we are left with 4 good embryos. They have booked us in for embryo transfer on Thursday morning. I was expecting to feel elated at this point, but I don't. Lots of the tweeps online feel disappointed when they learn how many embryos they have, and I do too. I know 4 is a decent number. I know you only need 1, but I now think I'm unlikely to have any to freeze, and that makes it all feel very all or nothing. Which is a scary position to be in. Let's face it, the whole thing is pertrifying.
Oh, and now I'm on progesterone suppositories too. Great fun. I put them in and I'm petrified to break wind, in case it comes out and I suddenly can't have this baby. Great. Way to mess with my head.
So anyway I was nervous, really nervous. My bad experience with the HSG has shown me that my pain threshold is not infinitely high like I previously thought it was, and things can hurt me more than I can stand. I was expecting suppository drugs, as I know others have had them this way, but I had an IV instead. I guess that is so they can control the amount of drugs in my system at a time.
There were 6 of us ladies in the recovery room (a room with lots of curtains and 6 reclining chairs - not much else) and Nurse Frantic, who was, as you may have guessed, entirely frantic. I found it amazing that after all it has taken us to get this far, there were still 6 of us going through it in one morning. There must be so many people who suffer like we have suffered...
OH did his part, we met the embryologists, covered up my hair and feet (all I could think was that the little feet covers were what the murderers wore on The Silence) and I left hubby and headed in to the room. I was aware of very little of the procedure really. It was funny, because They put the drugs in and I remember telling them all that I didn't feel anything yet and the drugs weren't doing anything. The next second (or so it seemed) I was jumping out of my skin because there was this sensation of them punching through my vaginal wall. It didn't hurt, it kind of made me think of hitting down on a stapler. A big noise, a feeling, but not pain. I came around a few times when something particularly uncomfortable was done, but the lady on my right was always talking to me when I was aware, telling me what was happening and putting more drugs in my system. The whole thing was just fine. I've had some twinges since, but I haven't really needed any tablets (I got myself co-codemol in preparation) and a hot water bottle has done me fine. I love hot water bottles. You know it's bad if a hot water bottle can't sort you out.
So I am completely relieved. I also slept fine last night, so that was another relief.
We've had a phonecall this morning from the embryologist. The results thus far are in! They collected 8 eggs, 1 of which ws not mature enough to bother with. 7 were injected directly with a single sperm. 1 of those didn't fertilise at all, 2 fertilised abnormally. So we are left with 4 good embryos. They have booked us in for embryo transfer on Thursday morning. I was expecting to feel elated at this point, but I don't. Lots of the tweeps online feel disappointed when they learn how many embryos they have, and I do too. I know 4 is a decent number. I know you only need 1, but I now think I'm unlikely to have any to freeze, and that makes it all feel very all or nothing. Which is a scary position to be in. Let's face it, the whole thing is pertrifying.
Oh, and now I'm on progesterone suppositories too. Great fun. I put them in and I'm petrified to break wind, in case it comes out and I suddenly can't have this baby. Great. Way to mess with my head.
Saturday, 17 July 2010
Thursday, 15 July 2010
What I did for love...
Yesterday I had my next scan. Biggest follie went up from 16mm to 23.4mm. Not bad for 2 days! Nurse Chick scanned us. She was brilliant. Had lots of time for our questions, and talked us all the way through the scan. I now know what's going to happen for the Egg collection, and it didn't seem as scary as I thought it would. I had visions of this needle needing to travel half a foot around my internal organs, but it just needs to nip through my vaginal wall really. Not too bad.
Nurse Chick thought I'd probably have my egg collection on Friday, but when checked with the Doc, and decided that Monday will be best, to give the smaller ones extra time to catch up. This means that my poor swollen ovaries have to keep swelling. I feel like such a heffer.
Today's not been a great day really. Work is crazy, I feel like some people are trying to wind me up and the house is hopefully all about to go through and we should be moving a fortnight tomorrow. Smack bang in the middle of the 2 week wait. I've had a really good cry tonight, and now I'm holed up in my room watching A Chorus Line. What I did for love is taking on a new meaning, as do many songs about love and longing these days. OH has brought me the laptop, tea in bed, a squash, a cup of tea and is now entertaining our dog. And he's not even looking too stressed. Though I'm sure he is. I'm surrounded by stress, and I think I would be fine if everyone else just would be too.
Things are really starting to get the better of me now. I'm so glad we're doing it now with the summer holidays. Our NHS go is due around Christmas time, and knowing how hard this is now, when it's supposedly an easy time of the year makes me so glad I'm not doing it at the busiest time of the year. How do I make it through egg collection, egg transfer, the two week wait and the results? And all of that is just to get to the point where it begins for most people, actually being pregnant. The long road has never felt like a more appropriate title for this Blog. My RL friends had better start clearing their diaries, because I think I'm going to need a lot of company, entertaining and distracting in the coming weeks. Because my head is going to pop.
Nurse Chick thought I'd probably have my egg collection on Friday, but when checked with the Doc, and decided that Monday will be best, to give the smaller ones extra time to catch up. This means that my poor swollen ovaries have to keep swelling. I feel like such a heffer.
Today's not been a great day really. Work is crazy, I feel like some people are trying to wind me up and the house is hopefully all about to go through and we should be moving a fortnight tomorrow. Smack bang in the middle of the 2 week wait. I've had a really good cry tonight, and now I'm holed up in my room watching A Chorus Line. What I did for love is taking on a new meaning, as do many songs about love and longing these days. OH has brought me the laptop, tea in bed, a squash, a cup of tea and is now entertaining our dog. And he's not even looking too stressed. Though I'm sure he is. I'm surrounded by stress, and I think I would be fine if everyone else just would be too.
Things are really starting to get the better of me now. I'm so glad we're doing it now with the summer holidays. Our NHS go is due around Christmas time, and knowing how hard this is now, when it's supposedly an easy time of the year makes me so glad I'm not doing it at the busiest time of the year. How do I make it through egg collection, egg transfer, the two week wait and the results? And all of that is just to get to the point where it begins for most people, actually being pregnant. The long road has never felt like a more appropriate title for this Blog. My RL friends had better start clearing their diaries, because I think I'm going to need a lot of company, entertaining and distracting in the coming weeks. Because my head is going to pop.
Friday, 2 July 2010
White Pants Dance
This is me!Well not exactly. This is what I am wearing in my head as I do my white trousers dance. Aunt Flo is still not here, and I really need her to visit. No knickers and white trousers is surely the way to start my period. If she's not here by Monday we'll probably be put back a week for everything.
I know, we've been waiting three years already, what's another week. But I really don't want to wait another week. Especially as that would mean another week on menopause drugs. At the moment I think I've escaped the psycho, but I'm not sure if I'd be so lucky for a whole extra week.
Hubby and I have mastered the jabs now too. I say we... I haven't done any of my own yet. In fact I have made great arrangements not to do my own. At the end of last week I was on a course in Swansea, and my friends, my work, my union and indeed the Liberty Stadium itself were all party to my plans to keep my drugs in the fridge all day. An old family friend was roped in to jab me on Friday (she threw it in like a dart - amazing!). On the Saturday OH was still away, on 'cricket' tour with work, and I was all set to do my own. In practice though, I couldn't figure out how to pinch my skin, poke it in, hold it steady, push the plunger and remove the needle all with just two hands. My mother (who had previously opted out of offering to inject me) must have suddenly had an adrenalin surge, as she suddenly decided she could do it. Thanks, Mam! So I am still a virgin, as far as actually giving injections goes, but I am b*stard hard at receiving them.
It's my birthday on Sunday! (All my American tweeps and bleeps are having fireworks - just for me!) My 30th in fact. A friend in work (one of those who's been there and understands) has asked me if I'm excited to turn 30. She's right, I am. Most of the things I thought I'd have by 30, I do have. A hubby I love, who loves me, a good home, a good job (and a fantastic fur-baby). I'm blessed and rewarded in many ways. But OH and I are no way complete. And those last pieces of the jigsaw will come in my 30s. I guess we're not exactly sure how yet. I really hope that this ICSI will work, and we will have at least one of those pieces in just over 9 months time. But if not, and if it never works, we will adopt. And even that can happen within a decade. So my 30s will be when it all fits together. One way or another.
I'm having a party tomorrow over mam's house (Thanks Mam! Thanks Dad!) and I'm hoping to invite AF. She's arrived on the Sunday morning after a Saturday night relax many a time, but just to be sure... I hope all my guests are ready to don their whites for the white pants dance!
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
Can I have it all?
I am exhausted. And I mean really exhausted.
Tomorrow is my last day taking the pill. AF should arrive Sunday or Monday and then I'll be having my first suprecur injection! I'm quite wound up about it. I'm a big girl, not a big girl's blouse, so I'm sure I'll be fine once I'm doing it, but I'm scared. Especially since other bleeps and tweeps have mentioned it burned. Burned? What's that all about?
I rang the nurses today because I'm nervous. Nurse geordie rang me back and kept calling me chick. "Do I have to make sure I don't drink or anything like that?" "No, chick, you just carry on as normal". It was strangely comforting. I bet there are a million other situations I would resent being called chick, but this wasn't one of them. She made it sound like it was the most usual thing in the world to jab yourself with menopause for a fortnight.
OH and I are still no nearer to knowing what we think about whether we put in one embryo or two. We aren't even sure if they'll let us push to putting in two. I've done a lot of digging into people's personal lives recently if they have twins (big thanks to those of you who set me up with advice from your friends - much appreciated) and the general consensus is:
yes, it's REALLY hard but no, I wouldn't change it for one at a time. There were several stories of pregnancies where mostly it was normal, and a few pregnancy stories where mum was really ill, but was fine in the end. We haven't had a chance to speak to Mrs Blunt-and-to-the-Point (our consultant) about it yet, so maybe we'll feel more decided once she's told us what she thinks.
So add to all that, we've sold our house, we've bought another one (in my home town), we're sorting out our mortgage, I'm finishing my school reports, I need to move classes, move house.....
If the timing for all this goes smoothly, we'll be moving house at the same time I'll be hoping to hear my Big Fat Positive. So if I get a BFN instead, you'll find me sobbing into packing boxes in my brand new 4 bedroom house, wondering why the hell I bothered. Or I could be happy and feel like I really have it all...
And poor hubby has consented to him moving the house, and me going out for the day with a friend and leaving him to it. The poor thing is going to be shouldering much of this move on his own, as we are determined that I'm not to be left with a BFN wondering if things would have been different if I'd just taken it easier. Hopefully we'll find a reasonably priced moving company, and OH can just gaffer for the day.
Is it bad that I'm gearing myself up for failure? I am. I was listening to Maximo Park this morning and I thought about if this IVF doesn't work.
What happens when you lose everything? You just start again....
Please don't make me have to start again.
Tomorrow is my last day taking the pill. AF should arrive Sunday or Monday and then I'll be having my first suprecur injection! I'm quite wound up about it. I'm a big girl, not a big girl's blouse, so I'm sure I'll be fine once I'm doing it, but I'm scared. Especially since other bleeps and tweeps have mentioned it burned. Burned? What's that all about?
I rang the nurses today because I'm nervous. Nurse geordie rang me back and kept calling me chick. "Do I have to make sure I don't drink or anything like that?" "No, chick, you just carry on as normal". It was strangely comforting. I bet there are a million other situations I would resent being called chick, but this wasn't one of them. She made it sound like it was the most usual thing in the world to jab yourself with menopause for a fortnight.
OH and I are still no nearer to knowing what we think about whether we put in one embryo or two. We aren't even sure if they'll let us push to putting in two. I've done a lot of digging into people's personal lives recently if they have twins (big thanks to those of you who set me up with advice from your friends - much appreciated) and the general consensus is:
yes, it's REALLY hard but no, I wouldn't change it for one at a time. There were several stories of pregnancies where mostly it was normal, and a few pregnancy stories where mum was really ill, but was fine in the end. We haven't had a chance to speak to Mrs Blunt-and-to-the-Point (our consultant) about it yet, so maybe we'll feel more decided once she's told us what she thinks.
So add to all that, we've sold our house, we've bought another one (in my home town), we're sorting out our mortgage, I'm finishing my school reports, I need to move classes, move house.....
If the timing for all this goes smoothly, we'll be moving house at the same time I'll be hoping to hear my Big Fat Positive. So if I get a BFN instead, you'll find me sobbing into packing boxes in my brand new 4 bedroom house, wondering why the hell I bothered. Or I could be happy and feel like I really have it all...
And poor hubby has consented to him moving the house, and me going out for the day with a friend and leaving him to it. The poor thing is going to be shouldering much of this move on his own, as we are determined that I'm not to be left with a BFN wondering if things would have been different if I'd just taken it easier. Hopefully we'll find a reasonably priced moving company, and OH can just gaffer for the day.
Is it bad that I'm gearing myself up for failure? I am. I was listening to Maximo Park this morning and I thought about if this IVF doesn't work.
What happens when you lose everything? You just start again....
Please don't make me have to start again.
Saturday, 8 May 2010
It begins...
So here I am, writing my first blog.
My story so far: Hubby and I met in college, we got together a few years later, and we are now very happily married. We started trying for a family soon after we got married and had to start to accept that it was going to be the long road for us. We got referred to the infertility clinic about 8 months after we started trying, and had our first appointment about another 6 months after that.
One (painful) HSG later and it was discovered I had a blocked fallopian tube. All of this happened when I was 6. Who'd have known it at the time (certainly noone suggested it to me), but my burst appendix as a child meant my tube got all full of scar tissue. Not only did that make it blocked, but it was also leaking into my uterus and helping to thwart our attempts at parenthood. So it had to go, and 6 months ago I had an operation to have it removed. The operation was pretty easy, and a few weeks later I was full health and back to work.
Hubby and I had high hopes after the operation, an obstacle removed and all that, but it seems that my tube wasn't our only problem. My follow up appointment after the op led to me having my day 1-3 bloods taken and my first date with wandy. My bloods were fine, but the internal scan meant the nurse has told me that I also have one mildly polycystic ovary. This really was a kick in the teeth, and I can't say I dealt with the news too well. The main problem being that it could potentially mean that when I undergo fertility treatments I might get ill. Like hospital ill ,with hyperstimulation. So hubby and I, who have been patiently waiting for our number to be called on the NHS waiting list have decided to sod all the waiting and go private.
So we're right there now, our TIC appointment to find out what our treatment will be is in less than a fortnight. It's likely to be ICSI rather than IVF and I'm rather nervous.
I'm trying not to use too many acronyms here, because I've decided to be bold and share this blog with my real life friends. I'm going to post links to my blog on my facebook account and waive the anonymity. Infertility awareness week recently led to me posting links to other people's blogs and videos on my fb account, and I was touched and very pleased by the responses I got. I know not everyone has read them, but I also know that lots have. If I assume that only a small amount of people who have been reading these things have been brave enough to contact me about it, then it's actually quite a number. I am really concerened about how little people talk about infertility, and want to break the trend. So please read my blog. Don't feel that you have to respond, just reading it is enough. If any of you want to contact me about it, then please do.
I also hope I'll get better at blogging as I go along. At the moment, this is a very strange feeling - especially know that real life people will be reading... I'm sure I'll open up more as I get used to it. So here goes...
My story so far: Hubby and I met in college, we got together a few years later, and we are now very happily married. We started trying for a family soon after we got married and had to start to accept that it was going to be the long road for us. We got referred to the infertility clinic about 8 months after we started trying, and had our first appointment about another 6 months after that.
One (painful) HSG later and it was discovered I had a blocked fallopian tube. All of this happened when I was 6. Who'd have known it at the time (certainly noone suggested it to me), but my burst appendix as a child meant my tube got all full of scar tissue. Not only did that make it blocked, but it was also leaking into my uterus and helping to thwart our attempts at parenthood. So it had to go, and 6 months ago I had an operation to have it removed. The operation was pretty easy, and a few weeks later I was full health and back to work.
Hubby and I had high hopes after the operation, an obstacle removed and all that, but it seems that my tube wasn't our only problem. My follow up appointment after the op led to me having my day 1-3 bloods taken and my first date with wandy. My bloods were fine, but the internal scan meant the nurse has told me that I also have one mildly polycystic ovary. This really was a kick in the teeth, and I can't say I dealt with the news too well. The main problem being that it could potentially mean that when I undergo fertility treatments I might get ill. Like hospital ill ,with hyperstimulation. So hubby and I, who have been patiently waiting for our number to be called on the NHS waiting list have decided to sod all the waiting and go private.
So we're right there now, our TIC appointment to find out what our treatment will be is in less than a fortnight. It's likely to be ICSI rather than IVF and I'm rather nervous.
I'm trying not to use too many acronyms here, because I've decided to be bold and share this blog with my real life friends. I'm going to post links to my blog on my facebook account and waive the anonymity. Infertility awareness week recently led to me posting links to other people's blogs and videos on my fb account, and I was touched and very pleased by the responses I got. I know not everyone has read them, but I also know that lots have. If I assume that only a small amount of people who have been reading these things have been brave enough to contact me about it, then it's actually quite a number. I am really concerened about how little people talk about infertility, and want to break the trend. So please read my blog. Don't feel that you have to respond, just reading it is enough. If any of you want to contact me about it, then please do.
I also hope I'll get better at blogging as I go along. At the moment, this is a very strange feeling - especially know that real life people will be reading... I'm sure I'll open up more as I get used to it. So here goes...
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