First jab....

First jab yesterday. I was crapping it.

So I woke up in the morning and welcomed AF. She doesn't normally get a welcome, but we decided to make an exception so we can get going on our IVF journey. After successfully manoeuvring through the pill without too many problems (except a huge emotional outburst 24 hours before AF arrived, but let's not mention that) I'm feeling a bit more hopeful that I might not go completely mental over the next fortnight.

After spending CD1 NOT enjoying the aches and pains of my first induced period in several years, and skipping a first birthday party (Mae'n ddrwg en i, pawb) hubby made sure he was back in time for my first stabbing at 6pm. 6 should always be after work and before we go out, so seems like the best time. We were both like silly kids. Excited and bloody nervous.

But god it felt good to be actively doing something about our dream.

So OH loaded up the needle, I pinched my under-bellybutton-skin and off we went. No stop. Ok now. No, stop. Out came the frozen mozzarella. That on my belly for 20 seconds should help to numb the area. Then I gave hubby the speech. If I jump, if I say ow, don't stop - just do it, and.....

He did it, I didn't jump, I didn't say ow. It was absolutely fine. Didn't feel the needle go in, didn't feel the suprecur get plunged in, nothing. Maybe it was a fluke, maybe tonight will hurt like a bugger, but for once, something happened the easy way. Just a little something, but it gives me hope.


I also wanted to take the opportunity to speak to all my real life friends about when I get my results. It's going to be a really weird time, whether it's good news or bad.
In the effort to spread the knowledge Joe Public has about infertility, I have waived my right to do this privately. So if we get the pregnancy we're after, I will share this, and this will be before the 12 weeks (or 20 weeks if it's twins) where people would usually feel safe to announce a pregnancy. And we could still lose the baby. So if I do get pregnant, I ask all of you to not get overexcited. And I'll do the same. Honest. Well I'll try at least. I have such a number of online friends that succeeded in their IVF, then lost their miracle. And if this happens to my miracle I won't have private grief, you'll all know about it. Same goes if the IVF fails.

So I don't even know exactly what I'm asking of you all, just follow my lead I guess. It's something that I really am quite scared of. The success or the failure and the fact that I've put this all on show. But this is me, I am as open as they come, and this is the path I have decided is important, so there's no backing out just because it gets a little difficult ahead.

It's really all starting now. I still have my sanity for the moment, but we'll see how long that lasts (share out the crazy, Jen, you'll be fine). I have so many things to think about that I'm just putting one foot in front of another. I don't have the time or ability to think about all the different things that are ahead of me in the next month or two so I'm literally not thinking about them. But at least my reports are finished. And the weather is nice.

And my injection didn't hurt!

Can I have it all?

I am exhausted. And I mean really exhausted.

Tomorrow is my last day taking the pill. AF should arrive Sunday or Monday and then I'll be having my first suprecur injection! I'm quite wound up about it. I'm a big girl, not a big girl's blouse, so I'm sure I'll be fine once I'm doing it, but I'm scared. Especially since other bleeps and tweeps have mentioned it burned. Burned? What's that all about?

I rang the nurses today because I'm nervous. Nurse geordie rang me back and kept calling me chick. "Do I have to make sure I don't drink or anything like that?" "No, chick, you just carry on as normal". It was strangely comforting. I bet there are a million other situations I would resent being called chick, but this wasn't one of them. She made it sound like it was the most usual thing in the world to jab yourself with menopause for a fortnight.

OH and I are still no nearer to knowing what we think about whether we put in one embryo or two. We aren't even sure if they'll let us push to putting in two. I've done a lot of digging into people's personal lives recently if they have twins (big thanks to those of you who set me up with advice from your friends - much appreciated) and the general consensus is:
yes, it's REALLY hard but no, I wouldn't change it for one at a time. There were several stories of pregnancies where mostly it was normal, and a few pregnancy stories where mum was really ill, but was fine in the end. We haven't had a chance to speak to Mrs Blunt-and-to-the-Point (our consultant) about it yet, so maybe we'll feel more decided once she's told us what she thinks.

So add to all that, we've sold our house, we've bought another one (in my home town), we're sorting out our mortgage, I'm finishing my school reports, I need to move classes, move house.....
If the timing for all this goes smoothly, we'll be moving house at the same time I'll be hoping to hear my Big Fat Positive. So if I get a BFN instead, you'll find me sobbing into packing boxes in my brand new 4 bedroom house, wondering why the hell I bothered. Or I could be happy and feel like I really have it all...
And poor hubby has consented to him moving the house, and me going out for the day with a friend and leaving him to it. The poor thing is going to be shouldering much of this move on his own, as we are determined that I'm not to be left with a BFN wondering if things would have been different if I'd just taken it easier. Hopefully we'll find a reasonably priced moving company, and OH can just gaffer for the day.

Is it bad that I'm gearing myself up for failure? I am. I was listening to Maximo Park this morning and I thought about if this IVF doesn't work.
What happens when you lose everything? You just start again....



Please don't make me have to start again.