Wordless Wednesday

First jab....

First jab yesterday. I was crapping it.

So I woke up in the morning and welcomed AF. She doesn't normally get a welcome, but we decided to make an exception so we can get going on our IVF journey. After successfully manoeuvring through the pill without too many problems (except a huge emotional outburst 24 hours before AF arrived, but let's not mention that) I'm feeling a bit more hopeful that I might not go completely mental over the next fortnight.

After spending CD1 NOT enjoying the aches and pains of my first induced period in several years, and skipping a first birthday party (Mae'n ddrwg en i, pawb) hubby made sure he was back in time for my first stabbing at 6pm. 6 should always be after work and before we go out, so seems like the best time. We were both like silly kids. Excited and bloody nervous.

But god it felt good to be actively doing something about our dream.

So OH loaded up the needle, I pinched my under-bellybutton-skin and off we went. No stop. Ok now. No, stop. Out came the frozen mozzarella. That on my belly for 20 seconds should help to numb the area. Then I gave hubby the speech. If I jump, if I say ow, don't stop - just do it, and.....

He did it, I didn't jump, I didn't say ow. It was absolutely fine. Didn't feel the needle go in, didn't feel the suprecur get plunged in, nothing. Maybe it was a fluke, maybe tonight will hurt like a bugger, but for once, something happened the easy way. Just a little something, but it gives me hope.


I also wanted to take the opportunity to speak to all my real life friends about when I get my results. It's going to be a really weird time, whether it's good news or bad.
In the effort to spread the knowledge Joe Public has about infertility, I have waived my right to do this privately. So if we get the pregnancy we're after, I will share this, and this will be before the 12 weeks (or 20 weeks if it's twins) where people would usually feel safe to announce a pregnancy. And we could still lose the baby. So if I do get pregnant, I ask all of you to not get overexcited. And I'll do the same. Honest. Well I'll try at least. I have such a number of online friends that succeeded in their IVF, then lost their miracle. And if this happens to my miracle I won't have private grief, you'll all know about it. Same goes if the IVF fails.

So I don't even know exactly what I'm asking of you all, just follow my lead I guess. It's something that I really am quite scared of. The success or the failure and the fact that I've put this all on show. But this is me, I am as open as they come, and this is the path I have decided is important, so there's no backing out just because it gets a little difficult ahead.

It's really all starting now. I still have my sanity for the moment, but we'll see how long that lasts (share out the crazy, Jen, you'll be fine). I have so many things to think about that I'm just putting one foot in front of another. I don't have the time or ability to think about all the different things that are ahead of me in the next month or two so I'm literally not thinking about them. But at least my reports are finished. And the weather is nice.

And my injection didn't hurt!

Can I have it all?

I am exhausted. And I mean really exhausted.

Tomorrow is my last day taking the pill. AF should arrive Sunday or Monday and then I'll be having my first suprecur injection! I'm quite wound up about it. I'm a big girl, not a big girl's blouse, so I'm sure I'll be fine once I'm doing it, but I'm scared. Especially since other bleeps and tweeps have mentioned it burned. Burned? What's that all about?

I rang the nurses today because I'm nervous. Nurse geordie rang me back and kept calling me chick. "Do I have to make sure I don't drink or anything like that?" "No, chick, you just carry on as normal". It was strangely comforting. I bet there are a million other situations I would resent being called chick, but this wasn't one of them. She made it sound like it was the most usual thing in the world to jab yourself with menopause for a fortnight.

OH and I are still no nearer to knowing what we think about whether we put in one embryo or two. We aren't even sure if they'll let us push to putting in two. I've done a lot of digging into people's personal lives recently if they have twins (big thanks to those of you who set me up with advice from your friends - much appreciated) and the general consensus is:
yes, it's REALLY hard but no, I wouldn't change it for one at a time. There were several stories of pregnancies where mostly it was normal, and a few pregnancy stories where mum was really ill, but was fine in the end. We haven't had a chance to speak to Mrs Blunt-and-to-the-Point (our consultant) about it yet, so maybe we'll feel more decided once she's told us what she thinks.

So add to all that, we've sold our house, we've bought another one (in my home town), we're sorting out our mortgage, I'm finishing my school reports, I need to move classes, move house.....
If the timing for all this goes smoothly, we'll be moving house at the same time I'll be hoping to hear my Big Fat Positive. So if I get a BFN instead, you'll find me sobbing into packing boxes in my brand new 4 bedroom house, wondering why the hell I bothered. Or I could be happy and feel like I really have it all...
And poor hubby has consented to him moving the house, and me going out for the day with a friend and leaving him to it. The poor thing is going to be shouldering much of this move on his own, as we are determined that I'm not to be left with a BFN wondering if things would have been different if I'd just taken it easier. Hopefully we'll find a reasonably priced moving company, and OH can just gaffer for the day.

Is it bad that I'm gearing myself up for failure? I am. I was listening to Maximo Park this morning and I thought about if this IVF doesn't work.
What happens when you lose everything? You just start again....



Please don't make me have to start again.

Good news!

No, I'm not pregnant.

But today has still been a good day. We sold the house! I'm trying not to get mental excited (I don't have the emotional capacity for that sort of extreme anymore anyway) in case it all falls through, but it's good news. And the girl must be keen, because we confirmed it this afternoon, and she's coming to measure up tomorrow! I guess that carpet really is too dirty.

So now we can start looking at houses. Which is the best part. But we told them we were no chain, so it looks as though my parents are going to have the pleasure of our company for a while. And we'd better start looking into storage possibilities....

And also, the nurses got back to me. We're a bit worried about when my unpredictable period will start. So here I am on cycle day 41 and not a hint of PMT in sight. So we're going to take control. Today I am officially back on the pill. What a turn of events... At least it's the mini pill, so that should limit the psycho. I hope. A fortnight on that, I should come on a few days later, then a fortnight of suprecur, followed by a baseline scan and tuition on how to start the second lot of injections, all leading up to egg collection on the first week of the summer holidays. Presumably.

So I'll have to have a few scans and appointments during work, but I won't have to take a fortnight off work. My headteacher is going to love me!

So today is a different day than yesterday. A very different day. Roll on tomorrow!

I wish my brain had a week off

I've spent a lot of this week off thinking. I'm bored of thinking.

I've been reading lots of info about the advantages of single embryo transfer or multiple embryo transfer. (www.oneatatime.org.uk - just the title is soooooooo biased!)
Multiple embryo transfer? Well you could get twins, it's a slightly higher chance of getting at least one baby, and maybe I won't have to go through all of this again.
Single embryo transfer? Well the risks of lots of diseasey things are lower. Apparently, but they don't quantify that very much. The baby is more likely to be born on time rather than early, and I'm less likely to need a c-section. Having one baby at a time is less stressful.

To be honest I find it a bit difficult to think about. My instincts tell me that putting two embryos in is the most failsafe thing to do, but the government is adamant that, providing my embryos are of a decent quality, I should only put in one embryo. And I'm doing all this research and thinking, and I'm not even sure if the consultants will let me put in two anyway. What am I paying £5,000 if they don't do what I want?

I'm waiting for my nurses to phone me and let me know if I need to start taking the pill for a few days to get my period going. June is starting to tick away, and I don't want to miss my window. So I'm trying to chase them to find out what to do and they're avoiding me. Maybe I've managed to annoy them already. That was rather prompt of me.

Also, we've had an offer on the house. Not quite a big enough offer, but a decent one none the less. Definately not so small to be scoffed at, but we're buying a baby here - every grand definately counts (when doesn't it) and I don't want to be not able to afford a baby because we moved into a family sized home.

But the good news is, my poor doggy has had the cone taken off her today, so now she can scratch behind her own ears and she is much happier. So at least the dog is good. I'm just fed up of my brain not having a rest.

Things are looking....

I think I've ovulated! Which is great. So hopefully Aunt Flo will visit in a fortnight, and when AF gets here I can get injecting! This would have me about a week earlier than the nurses had penciled me in for, which I'm sure they can make work.

I realised that in the confusion of taking in all the information at our last appointment I'd got a couple of things wrong. It's a good thing they gave me the paper copy of all the information, because after reading it I figured a few things out. The date I was given (July 5th) is not for Egg collection, but for starting the stimming. And I also (for some unfathomable reason) had assumed that my downregging was tablets, then those tablets stopped and I started the injections. But they're both injections. And also I don't think I stop taking the first one when I start the second one. It'll be a fortnight of 1 injection a day, and a fortnight of 2 injections a day. Bugger! Have I got enough belly for that many injections? (Don't answer that).

I dont' know whether it's the horMOANS starting to gear up for AF, if it's because I didn't have the best week in work, because it's raining again today, because we're still no closer to selling the house or because I couldn't sleep last night thinking about someone that made me cross, but I'm starting to get grumpy. Poor hubby. I do feel for him. Still can't stop though (sorry, love).

I am seriously scared about how nasty I might be on these drugs. A fantastic friend sent me a text: "Let the psycho begin! Seriously, we'll share you round, it'll be fine". Bless her. I think that's the way to approach it. The less each person has to deal with me individually, the less guilty I'll feel about being a pain.

However. I'm going out with a great friend tonight. I've got a week off for the school holidays. We've got a new estate agent coming around this week. Hubby and I have a part-exchange option on the house to follow up. Hopefully the weather will be better tomorrow. And soon is my 30th birthday! So I won't have children before I'm 30, I won't even be pregnant. But on July 4th, 1 day before my pencilled in start-the-second-jabs date, I will be 30. I'm having a lovely party with a load of my music friends. We're going to play guitars, ukeleles, mandolins, djembes, cajons, we're gonna sing and a have a chilled out time. Just what I need to relax me. I guess I'll be the only sober one there though. And best of all, soon I will start being able to actively do something to step closer to my dream of having a family. So things aren't as bad as they seem. in fact, they're looking up!

Good seeds - staying positive

Plant your hope with good seeds,
don't cover yourself with thistle and weeds,
rain down, rain down on me.



This song gears me up when I'm letting myself wallow. What do you do to stay positive?